LAST TIME, ON DCA:
Shadow: The series revolves around me now. Not Shade. I'm going on a Green Journey to collect seven green chaos drives.
Shade: And I'm helping!
Shadow: I NEED to do this, otherwise the Veteran's Commitee--
Shade: --the new bad guys--
Shadow: --will end DCA. And who wants that?
Shade: Other than the bad guys, of course.
Shadow: No, not even THEY want to. They just... think they have to, in order to continue evolution.
Shade: Good cause, bad execution.
Shadow: So, um... apparently, the first chaos drive is in future Europe.
Shade: I jumped with joy as soon as I heard this.
Shadow: Seriously, why are you so excited? What's so special about future Europe?
Shade: Ho-ho-hoh, you will find out. BUT, something went horribly, horribly wrong.
Shadow: Oh, yes. As the Daleks (whom I forgot to mention) were teleporting us, this virus...
Shade: This virus introduced, like... two episodes ago, to corrupt the Veteran's Commitee's weird.. machine thing, that is.
Shadow: Well, the virus kinda...... it ****ed things up.

DARK CHAO ADVENTURES
Season 7 (AKA Season 6 part two)
Episode Fifty-nine: Still Waiting for Half-Time part one: I Would Walk Five Hundred Miles, and Then I'd Drive Five Hundred More

We resume our story in the Space/Time Rip, located beyond the planet of PURE DOOKY.
[the Daleks have just teleported Shade and Shadow, but...]
Dalek1: ...SOMETHING IS WRONG.
Dalek2: WHAT IS IT?
Dalek1: IT WOULD APPEAR THAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS, AT THE LAST SECOND, INTERCEPTED THE PROCESS.
Dalek3: YOU DON'T MEAN...
Dalek1: THERE'S NO TELLING WHERE THE GREEN ONE WILL END UP, OR WHO INTERCEPTED THE TELEPORTATION.
[the scene changes to.. well... nowhere. Just a black space, I guess.]
[we see the scene through Shadow's eyes; he hears familiar voices]
Echo?: Hmmmm...... . . . . .  . ... .. .... .. .. ....
LevityNite?: What... shall we do with them?
Echo?: Hmmmm...... . . . . .  . ... .. .... .. .. ....
?: No... interception will not get us anywhere...... let them go.
Nite?: But, our plans--
Echo?: Hm. Hm. Hm......... I understand... your point of view, Levity, but..... .. . ... .. .. .... ..  . ..
Nite?: Of course... after all...
?: Let them go, I said.... let them go. The green one.... he needs his strength.
Egg?: But, what good will one soldier do?
?: You would be..... very surprised... Levity..... inform him....
[Levity Nite appears]
Nite: Shadow.
Shadow: What? What's going on?
Nite: We've been talking for a bit, and we've decided...
Shadow: Who's "we?" The Patriots?
Nite: The Veteran's Committee.
Shadow: So, what? You're going to kill me now?
Nite: No. We have decided that you may prove to be useful. We want you to do a little job for us.
Shadow: What KIND of "little job?"
Nite: You will find out.
Shadow: What if I decline your offer?
Nite: Offer? *laughter* We're not offering anything, Shadow. We're ORDERING you.
Shadow: And if I don't succeed?
Nite: Well, the only way to not succeed this job would be to die, so...
Shadow: Oh. Well... what do I have to do?
Nite: As I said, Shadow... you will find out. For now, just sleep. Sleep... we will wake you when it is time.
Shadow: But I'm not tir--
[Shadow instantly falls asleep]
[...........................................]
[he wakes up; things are all space-y and weird]
[Echo, in his awesome Dark/Fly form, appears in front of Shadow]
Echo: Rise... and SHINE, misssster Shadowwww.... rise... and... SHINE...
[things become very awkward, and horrific images flash in front of them]
Echo: Not that I wish to imply you have been sleeping on... the JOB.
Shadow: "..the job?" --Oh, right. I forgot.
Echo: No one is more deserving of a rest than YOU, and all the effort in the WORLD would have gone to waste, until...
Shadow: Until? C'mon, what's going on?
Echo: Well... let's just say your hour has... come again.
Shadow: "Again?" When was the first time?
Echo: The right chao in the wrong place can make all the diff...erence... in the WORLD.
Shadow: Seriously, dude... please tell me what's going on.
Echo: So... wake UP, misssster Shadowwww... wake up and.. smell the ASHES.
Chapter 1: Pointed Insertion
[Shadow wakes up on a train pulling into a station]
Shadow: Ugh... what the smack-diddly-umptious?
[outside the window, he sees a very Eastern-European-esque train station]
Shadow: Oh, crap, future Europe.
[he gets off the train, and instantly has his picture taken by a flying robot]
Shadow: Um... thank you?
[he slowly backs away from the robot, and bumps into a man wearing a black... well... "suit" is the best I can describe it]
[the man also has a weird gas mask, and an electric nightstick]
Shadow: Sorry about that. I, um... didn't mean to bump into you--
[he is shoved away, and falls over]
Shadow: Oof! *sniff* That kinda hurt...
[the man waves his nightstick, and sparks fly from it]
Shadow: Alright, I'm movin'! Geez...
[he keeps moving onward, and around him, many men in suits like that one are being oppressive and cruel to people]
Shadow: What the heck HAPPENED here?
?: New here, ain'tcha?
[that came from an old Hero chao, sitting on a bench in a corner]
Shadow: Um... yes, I suppose I am. Can you tell me what's going on?
[the chao looks around, paranoid]
?: Not here. This isn't the place.
[the chao gets up, and begins to walk away]
?: Apartment complex Greknurf.
[he leaves]
Shadow: Wait, where's that? Hey!
[a suited man comes up to Shadow, and gestures for him to be quiet]
Shadow: Sorry.
[he moves on through the train station, and follows a line of people]
[some people in the line go forward, through a door, to the exit]
[others go towards a platform, along which are a bunch of large, dark, ominous trains]
[the third bunch of people... Shadow sees them enter the line, but not come out anywhere]
[Shadow reluctantly steps into the line, and some suited men tell him to go towards the ominous trains]
Shadow: ...you're kidding, right?
[they shove him along]
Shadow: Oof! But... but where do those trains go?
[suddenly, they stop him; a camera on the wall takes pictures of him]
[a door next to him opens; a suited man walks out]
Man: You, citizen, come with me.
[Shadow follows him through a dark corridor, and to a room]
[inside the room is a chair around which, the ground is splattered with blood]
Man: Get in.
[Shadow walks in, as does the man; he goes over to some computer monitors]
Man: Yeah, I'm gonna need me some privacy for this...
[the man presses some buttons, and some cameras (which were there) retreat into the walls]
Man: Now...
[the man slowly takes off his gasmask...]
[aaand it's Red, the red Dark chao! Future form]
RedFuture: ..about that beer you owe me!
Shadow: ...isn't the actual line, "About that beer I owe YOU?"
RedF: Hey, buddy, you barely did squat for me, and I just stopped you from boarding a razor train.
Shadow: What are you talking about? I fought the Patriots and... oh, yeah, they never told the public about that.
RedF: Exactly. Anyway, you know me... I'm Red, from the Dark Garden n' stuff, but I seriously hardly know YOU.
Shadow: I'm Shadow, the green Dark chao. I've been in the garden for much longer than you have. Well... a bit.
RedF: ..okay, so I've seen you around before, but you look so... young.
Shadow: Long story short, I did some time travelling.
RedF: Oh, I see.
Shadow: You do?
RedF: Dude, once you've done some adventures with Shade, you get used to it.
Shadow: I see your point. So, what.. what year is this?
RedF: I don't know. The Combine have deemed calendars "useless." They say it makes us rely on labels.
Shadow: The Combine? Now, where have I heard THAT before...?
RedF: Don't worry too much about it. No, wait, DO. They're the invaders, and I don't mean GOOD invaders like Zim.
Shadow: Darn.
RedF: I've been working undercover with Civil Protection... I can't talk to you for too long, or they'll get suspicious.
Shadow: I take it the Civil Protection are volunteers who go around beating people?
RedF: Pretty much. Hey, we get food and... we get to bathe.
Shadow: Ew.
RedF: I've been way behind on my "beating quota." Hang on, there's somebody who would love to talk to you.
[one of the computer monitors shows Tails]
Tails: Yes, Red, what is it? I'm right in the middle of a critical test!
RedF: Sorry, Doc, but look who's here!
Tails: ...who's that?
Shadow: I'm Shadow. You might not remember me, since... it was a while ago when I last saw you.
Tails: Shadow, my goodness... from the Big Shell incident? Yes, yes! I remember! With the Patriots... *shudder*
Shadow: Well, I'm working for them now, I think, so...
Tails: You're... WORKING for them?! AGAIN?!
Shadow: "Again?"
Tails: You were working for them during the Libfairy stuff... and stuff.
Shadow: Oh, yeah. Feels like it happened only yesterday...
Tails: So, um... Red, what do you intend?
RedF: I'm thinkin'... maybe he could go to the lab, and we can plan somethin' there?
Tails: Shade should be around here somewhere... he would have a better idea of how to get him here.
RedF: Well, as long as he stays away from checkpoints, we'll be okay.
[Red looks at the door]
RedF: Listen, I gotta go, Doc; I'm takin' enough chances as it is.
Tails: Very well. And, uh, Shadow? Nice to meet you.
Shadow: The feeling's mutual, Doctor.
[the screen switches back to random numbers and... letters and... algorithms]
RedF: Okay, Shadow, you're gonna have to make your own way to Mister Prower's lab.
[somebody knocks on the door]
RedF: Aw, man, that's what I was afraid of. Get in here, Shadow, before you blow my cover!
[Red leads Shadow into a room filled with boxes]
RedF: Pile up some stuff to get through that window, and keep goin' 'til you're in the plaza!
[he closes the door halfway]
RedF: I'll meet up with ya later.
[he closes the door]
[Shadow piles up some stuff to get through a window, and keeps goin' 'til he's in the plaza]
[or, rather, back in the train station again]
Shadow: This is a really big train station.
[a Combine cop (man in a suit with a gasmask), whom we will call "metrocops," walks by]
[he knocks a can over]
Cop: Pick up that can.
[Shadow picks it up]
Cop: Now put it in the trash can.
Shadow: And if I don't?
Cop: *charges nightstick* I am authorized to use full force.
Shadow: *puts can in trash can* Okey-doke.
Cop: Okay, you can go. *chuckle*
[as Shadow is leaving the train station, he blows a raspberry at the cop]
[one beating later, Shadow finds himself in the town plaza]
[all the buildings are very old and Eastern-European (Russian, German, stuff like that)]
[in the center of the plaza is a giant TV on which, Doctor Eggman is addressing the public]
Egg: Let me read a letter I recently recieved. "Dear Doctor Eggman, why has the Combine seen fit to suppress our reproductive cycle? Signed, a Concerned citizen." Thank you for writing, Concerned. ...luckily, I'm not gonna answer it! Hohohoh!
Shadow: Eggman...?
[far, far, FAR in the distance, at the center of the city, a gigantic spire rises into the clouds]
Shadow: Ooh, that's ominous.
[Shadow realizes he's talking to himself, and decides to explore a bit]
[as he's walking down a street, he sees it is barricaded by the Combine]
[in front of the barricade, two metrocops are searching some citizens]
[THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!]
[a giant, long-legged, three-legged... thing walks by on the street behind the barricade]
Shadow: What the f--
[one beating later, Shadow hops a fence, and moves through some alleyways]
[he finds himself at a large building, and enters, 'cause there's really nothing else to do]
[inside is an apartment complex, through which, Shadow checks]
[he goes up a floor, and checks some rooms filled with people and chao]
Shadow: Excuse me, um... where am I?
Person: You're in apartment complex Greknurf.
Shadow: Oh, that's good!
?: Hey, there you are. So you finally made it.
[the old Hero chao is there]
?: My name's Hero. Perhaps you know me?
Shadow: Hero... yeah, you were one of the Hero chao from the Gardens, right?
HeroF: And you were... uh...
Shadow: I'm Shadow.
HeroF: My goodness, Shadow! I've completely forgotten you. Anyway, it seems to me like you need some help around here.
Shadow: Pfft. More like a BUNCH of help.
HeroF: Well, all you need to know is, Eggman's finally cracked. He's also finally conquered the world.
Shadow: ...friggin' finally.
HeroF: In this new world of Eggman Empires n' stuff, we must behave... n' stuff.
Shadow: I think I get what you're saying. Eggman's a tyrant?
HeroF: Pretty much.
Shadow: Hm. Hey, do you know how I might get to Mister Prower's lab?
HeroF: The Tailsmeister? Uh, yeah, he's--
[a siren goes off]
Attention, tenants. We have detected a miscount in your block.
Cooperation with your Civil Protection officials will guarantee a full-ration reward.
HeroF: Aw, shizzle!
Shadow: What? What's going on?
HeroF: They detected you. You're a miscount, man; a nobody. Ohhh, now we're gonna get it...
Shadow: What should I do?
HeroF: Head for the roof! There's no time to waste; go on!
[Shadow starts running for the stairs, and sees some metrocops heading up the stairs; he runs faster]
[he gets to the roof, and keeps running along the rooftops]
[the cops on the streets see him and start shooting at him]
Shadow: Aiee!
[he dives into a window, and falls down some stairs; they break]
[the metrocops break in, and surround him]
Shadow: Uh... hai gaiz...
[they knock him out]
[he wakes up a few minutes later to the face of an old, grey Dark chao]
Shadow: Ugh... Shade?
?: Shadow the chao, I presume.
[a siren continues going off in the distance]
?: We'd better hurry. The Combine are slow to wake, but once they're up, you don't want to get in their way.
[the chao helps Shadow up, and presses a button on the wall]
?: Mister Prower said you'd be coming this way. I don't think it occurred to him that you might not have a map.
[an elevator comes up]
?: I'm Shade. ...from your appearance, I'd say you come from the past, right? As in, this is your future?
Shadow: Yeah.
ShadeF: In that case, I'm the future Shade. I'm ten times cooler than the Shade you know.
Shadow: I believe you. ...dude, you have a freaking COWBOY HAT, and a five o' clock shadow.
ShadeF: I also had a shotgun, but it's gone now.
Shadow: What happened to it?
ShadeF: Another war, in the Americas. That was Gears of War, though, and this is something eleven times more awesome.
Shadow: What?
ShadeF: Half-Life 2.
[they ride the elevator to another floor; ShadeF leads Shadow to a propaganda poster of Eggman]
ShadeF: I'm sure you remember the ol' Egghead. He was my commander in that war I mentioned...
Shadow: I thought he was my colonel on this one espionage thing, but it turned out to be a robot.
ShadeF: Huh. Well, I got a warning for ya-- don't get my dad started on him.
Shadow: I thought your dad died. ...on said mission of mine.
ShadeF: Plot hole. ...aw, schnap, a plot hole. Well.. um... we revive people a lot. So we did that to him.
Shadow: Oh. That makes sense, I guess.
[ShadeF presses a button, and the wall behind the poster moves, revealing a hallway]
Chapter 2: "A Shaded Letter Day"
ShadeF: Funny, you showing up on this day in particular...
[they move through some hallways]
ShadeF: We've been helping people escape this city on the underground railroad.
Shadow: Awesome. Good cause.
ShadeF: It's a dangerous route, through the old canals. Today, we're finally on the verge of finding a better way.
[they reach a soda machine]
ShadeF: Here, lemme buy you a drink.
[he puts a coin in, presses three buttons, then bangs on the side of the machine]
[it opens up, revealing Tails' lab]
ShadeF: Oh, and by the way... welcome to the future, kiddo.
[Shadow slowly enters the lab and looks around; tons of circuitry and gadgets are everywhere]
[Tails is looking inside an animal crate]
Tails: Blast that little-- where did she get to?
ShadeF: Uh-oh. Everything alright, Doc?
[Tails bangs his head on the crate, then comes out]
Tails: Oh, hello, Shade. No, not everything... Jett has gotten out of her crate again. If I didn't know better, I'd suspect Red of trapping and...
[Tails finally notices Shadow]
Tails: My goodness.... Shadow. It really IS you, isn't it?
Shadow: Wow, Mister Prower, you...'re no longer an 8-year old.
ShadeF: I found him wandering around outside. A bit of a troublemaker, isn't he?
Tails: Oh, no, we owe a great deal to Shadow... but, trouble doesn't normally follow in his wake.
[Tails moves towards a computer]
Tails: I must say, Shadow, you've come at a very opportune time. Shade has just installed the final piece on our teleport!
ShadeF: Heh heh, yep, I'm awesome.
RedF: Well, is he here?
[they all turn to look at Red, who just got there]
RedF: Man, Shadow, you stirred up the hive.
[Red moves to some monitors; on the monitors are various locations of the city]
RedF: We can't keep him here long, Doc; it'll jeapordize everything we've worked for.
ShadeF: Take a chill pill, Red; he's comin' with me.
Tails: He's right. This is a red letter day! The teleport is complete!
RedF: A "red letter day," huh... I like the sound of that.
ShadeF: Doc, I believe you mean a "letter that is many SHADES of red day."
RedF: Butt off, Shade. The term is "RED letter day," not "SHADED red letter day."
Tails: That doesn't matter! The teleport is COMPLETE, I said!
RedF: So, it's working? For real this time? 'Cause... I still have nightmares about... THE MOOSE.
Shadow: The moose?
Tails: Now, now... there is nothing to worry about. We have made major strides since then. Major strides.
Shadow: ...what moose?
RedF: Well, Doc, since he's not takin' to the streets, you'd better get him out of his civvies.
Tails: Good idea. Red, I'll give you the honor.
RedF: I gotta get back to my shift, but okay.
[Red leads Shadow to a closet; he opens it; he turns on a light]
RedF: There we go-- HOLY FU--
[a headcrab jumps at him and latches to his head; he tears it off and throws it into the lab]
[it hops on to a cabinet]
Tails: Jett! There you are!
RedF: I thought you got rid of that pest...
Tails: Certainly not!
[Shadow stands back a bit from it]
Tails: Never fear, Shadow; she's debeaked and completely harmless. The worst she might do is attempt to couple with your head. ...fruitlessly!
RedF: *fake wretch* Gross.
Tails: Here, my pet... come with me!
[Jett hops up to some shelves]
Tails: No, not up there!
[SMASH!]
[CRACK!]
Tails: Careful, Jett... those are quite fragile!
[BANG!]
[Jett hops into a vent]
Tails: Oh, boy... it'll be a week before I can coax her out of there.
RedF: Yeah... longer, if we're lucky.
ShadeF: Not an animal person, are ya, Red?
RedF: Eah...
[they go back to the closet, and Red hands Shadow a suit]
[he puts it on]
ShadeF: Say, Doc.. that doesn't look like an HEV suit.
Tails: That's because it isn't one! I designed this suit, myself, out of fear that it'll mess up the teleport, like you did.
ShadeF: Sheesh, ONE TIME! Okay? Once!
[a siren goes off in the distance; on the monitor, the metrocops leave their positions]
Tails: Oh, dear.
RedF: Doc, we don't have time for this! Let's get this show on the road!
Tails: Good idea. This way, everyone!
[Tails leads them to a side room; a large machine is there, as is a console and a monitor]
[Shade steps into the machine; Cham appears on the monitor]
ChamF: Miles, are you there?
Tails: Yes, Cham... bit of a hold-up on this end. You'll never guess who stumbled into my lab this morning.
[Cham looks at Shadow]
ChamF: That's not who I think it is, is it?
Tails: Indeed, it is! And I intend to send him packing straightaway, in the company of Shade.
ShadeF: You ready for us, Cham?
ChamF: We're all set on this end.
ShadeF: Then let's do it.
[the machine warms up]
Tails: Hm, let's see... I've connected the GY circuit to the HJ socket, and activated both relays, Hilbert inclusive.
[the machine is warmed up]
Tails: Conditions could hardly be more ideal!
RedF: Yeah, that's what you said last time.
Shadow: Hey, um... yeah, about that moose--
[BZZZRT]
[the machine does nothing]
Tails: Oh, fiddlesticks, what now?
ShadeF: Ah, the darn thing's come unplugged!
Shadow: I got it. *plugs it in*
[BZZZRT!]
Tails: ...did it work?
ChamF: See for yourself.
[Shade appears on the monitor]
ShadeF: This is Major Tom to Ground Control; I'm stepping through the doors.
Tails: Ground Control to Major Tom, you've made the grade, and the papers want to know whose shirt you wear.
RedF: ...just ignore them when they're like this.
Shadow: Oh, okay.
[Shadow gets into the machine]
Tails: Sending Shadow in 3... 2... 1...
RedF: Good luck out there, Shadow.
[BZZ-RAPAAAAAAAA]
Tails: What the? What's gone wrong?
RedF: It's your pet, the freakin' HEAD-HUMPER!
[Jett is messing with the circuitry, and jumps into the machine]
Tails: Jett? Joan, NO!
[BZZZZZZZZRRRRRRRRRRTTTTT]
[Shadow appears on a beach somewhere; Jett hops away]
[BZZRT]
[Shadow teleports back]
RedF: There he is!
Tails: Is Jett with him?
RedF: Forget about that thing!
[BZZRT]
[Shadow appears in Cham's lab]
ChamF: There he is. ..what's wrong, Purflee (the first, the female one)?
PFF: Something's pulling him away...
ShadeF: Stay put, Shadow. We'll get you out of there.
[BZZRT]
[Shadow finds himself in a fancy office; windows show the city from extremely high up]
[Eggman is in the room, sitting at a desk]
Egg: ...what the? Who are you? How did you get in here?
[BZZRT]
[back to Tails' lab]
RedF: He's back! Ah, screw this, Shadow, I'm getin' you out of there!
Tails: You can't just wade into the field! It will peel you apart!
ShadeF: We just lost Shadow. What's going on?
Tails: I wish I knew! We're encountering unexpected interference!
ChamF: Hold on, Shadow, we'll--
[BZZRT]
[back to Cham's lab]
ShadeF: Shadow!
PFF: It's no use; he's going again.
[BZZRT]
[Shadow finds himself in Eggman's office again]
[this time, Eggman has turned around, and is talking on a monitor to Metal Sonic, in his awesome future glory]
Egg: ...I'm all but certain he was...
[Metal looks behind Eggman; Eggman turns around and sees Shadow]
Egg: .......Shadow Raid.
[BZZRT]
[Shadow drops into a lake; he sinks for a bit; an alien fish monster charges at him, mouth wide open]
[BZZRT]
[finally, as the teleport field wears off, Shadow appears outside Tails' lab, by a window]
Tails: What do you mean, "he didn't come through?"
ChamF: He wasn't here.
Tails: Then... where IS he?
ChamF: *looks* ...behind you.
[Tails turns around, and sees Shadow, outside the window]
Tails: WOAH!
ChamF: Shut it down, shut it down!
Tails: Shadow! You must get out of here!
[some camera bots fly by and take multiple pictures of him]
RedF: Get down out of sight; I'll come find you.
[Tails closes the blinds; Shadow is able to move again]
[he runs as fast as he can around the building]
RedF: Hey, hold up a sec!
[he finds Red]
RedF: Shadow! The Egg Citadel's on full alert; I've never seen it lit up like that!
[the humongous tower in the distance is blasting sirens, camera bots, and tons of lights]
RedF: Listen to me... the teleport didn't work like we wanted it to.
Shadow: Yeah, I noticed.
RedF: Instead, you need to go through the underground railroad. It's extremely dangerous, but there are lots of others.
Shadow: Others? Like... other rebels, and stuff?
RedF: Yeah. They'll help you when they can.
Shadow: Um.. to Cham's lab, right?
RedF: Yes.
Shadow: Where, exactly, is that?
RedF: Um... it's... not that far. Really.
Shadow: (sigh) How far is it, Red?
RedF: A couple.. .. ....miles.
Shadow: A couple what?
RedF: Just take this freakin' crowbar, already!
[Red tosses a crowbar at him--]
[SNATCH] (somebody grabs it)
RedF: Holy crapadoo...
Shadow: There you are...
?: I am the only person who can use these. Understand?
[it's Shade! THE Shade! The present Shade! Not the future one!]
Shadow: Shade, where WERE you?
Shade: Somebody intercepted the Daleks' teleport; I woke up in a dumpster, way far out there.
Shadow: Well, the Veteran's Committee got me, and made me do a job for them.
Shade: A job? What kinda job?
Shadow: I dunno; they said I'd find ou--.....
[Shadow slowly turns to face the Egg Citadel]
Shadow: ....don't tell me...
Shade: They want you to assassinate Egghead, don't they?
Shadow: It's a safe bet.
RedF: ...um... you're welcome for the crowbar. Like I said, stick to the underground, 'kay? I gotta go.
[Red leaves]
Shadow: ...y'ever played Half-Life 2?
Shade: Beaten it a couple hundred times. Why? It doesn't help here; the Veteran's Committee can change stuff.
Shadow: Oh... that is not good news.
Shade: Sure it is! It makes this more fun!
[they move on, past some train tracks]
Chapter 3: The Root of the Canal
[they head down some stairs]
Shadow: Um... so, in the end, do the good guys win?
Shade: Pfft, no. In the end, SOMEBODY wins, but it's never explained if he's good or bad. Even then, he doesn't actually win.
Shadow: ...I'm not even gonna ask.
Shade: Yeah, don't.
Shadow: So... so we're entering the underground railroad now?
Shade: Yep.
Shadow: How far is Cham's lab?
Shade: Well, in the game, Doctor Eli's lab was a couple hundred miles away, across huge rivers and canals.
Shadow: C-couple HUNDRED?!
Shade: Yeah. It took the player about two chapters to get there.
Shadow: Holy damsel...
Shade: Shh! Hear that?
[they hear some crying, and peek around a dark corner]
[a woman is kneeling by a dead man, crying, as two metrocops continue to beat the corpse]
Woman: Stop, he didn't do anything...
Shadow: Shade, we've got to do something...
Shade: Wait a second.
[Shade keeps looking at the woman]
Shade: I swear, that woman looks awfully familiar...
[the woman is rather pale, and is sitting on the ground, sobbing her eyes out]
Shadow: Oh, I don't have time for this! I'm going to help her!
[as Shadow leaves, Shade remembers where he saw her from]
Shade: ....oh, snap. Shadow, stop!
[the metrocops notice Shadow, and start shooting at him]
[the woman starts growling]
[Shade slowly hides]
[Shadow attacks the metrocops, but accidentally bumps into the woman]
Shadow: Sorry! I was......
[the woman is now standing up, eyes red, with long claws, and is snarling with great intensity]
Shadow: ...just leaving.
[the camera shows Shade, ducking, cowering, as Shadow screams in pain, and the woman growls and slashes]
[a while passes; Shadow walks on-screen, covered in deep gashes]
Shadow: .....
Shade: ........I don't think that happened in the gam--
Shadow: SHUT UP.
Shade: Hey, it's not my fault if the Veteran's Committee can put Left 4 Dead stuff in Half-Life 2!
[they get past the dark hallway, and head up some stairs]
[upstairs, some metrocops see them and start shooting]
Shade: WA SNAP
[one crowbar smack later, Shade and Shadow make it to the top of the stairs with a brand new pistol!]
[at the top of the stairs, they are outside again, just as it becomes about... 4 PM? I dunno]
Shadow: Why does the time matter, again?
Shade: It doesn't. It's just awesome how time progresses at such an awesome pace in this game.
[in front of them is a large valley, with a train track inside]
Shade: I gotta say, it's not that easy to describe this place, is it?
Shadow: Can't be.
[on the other side of the valley are some old construction sites... and... stuff]
Shade: I'll just put it this way, we've got to go along this train track, but we can't.
Shadow: Why not?
Shade: Eggman's made a lot of technology, you know. He just doesn't.. want to make the city, itself, look better.
Shadow: So.. he's... made some barriers. That's all ya gotta say.
Shade: Yeah, but... ah, whatever.
[they descend some steps into the valley, but find no way up the other side]
[nearby, a train's horn honks]
Shadow: Um... Shade?
Shade: What?
Shadow: How do we get up there?
Shade: We're supposed to, uh... crap, I forgot.
Shadow: HOW DO YOU FORGET?!
Shade: Route Canal's not entirely one of my favorite chapters, okay? It's a brilliant concept, but I... I get bored.
[HONK HONKKKKKK]
[the train is very close to them]
Shade: Oh, yeah, I remember now.
[Shade starts running up the stairs, which suddenly collapse]
Shade: What the--
[HONK HONNNNNKKKK]
[SMASH]
[somehow, Shade and Shadow were able to hop into the driver's carriage via the front window]
Shade: ...oh, thank goodness this thing's automated.
Shadow: Shade, did this happen in the game?
Shade: Pfft. I wish. It'd be freaking awesome if it did.
Shadow: Then... then what? Where do we go from here?
Shade: I dunno.
Shadow: Oh, this isn't good. *paces around the room* This is bad, this is very, very bad...
Shade: Dude, calm down. We'll get out of this.
Shadow: But, what makes you so sure? The show, itself, is threatened... and we're lost in the future on a train!
Shade: Dude. Dude. Dude. Calm. Down. We're the good guys. The good guys AlWAYS win.
Shadow: What about in Watchmen?
Shade: ..uh... the good guys won in that one, too, remember?
Shadow: They did? I... I didn't get it.
Shade: How did you not get it? They had to kill millions of people to save billions!
Shadow: But... but did the good guys win, or the bad guys?
Shade: There WERE no "good" or "bad" guys in Watchmen. Just people.
Shadow: But... wait... what?
Shade: People don't have to be "good" or "bad," dude.
?: Hey, what's going on in here?
[a Dark chao, a regular, plain-old Dark chao, steps into the cabin]
Shade: ...Dark?
Dark: Shade? ..Green guy? What are you two doing here?
Shadow: Long story short, we're gonna kill Eggman, but what are YOU doing here?
Dark: Well, long story short, I woke up in a dumpster.
Shade: Me, too! Then I found this guy.
Dark: You did? Hey, me, too!
Shade: ...yeah, well, do you know where this train's headed?
Dark: This place called "Nova" something or other.
Shade: We gotta get off this train, NOW.
Dark: Have you tried jumping out the window?
[cut to a river... thing, filled with lots of crap and boxes and stuff]
[pause]
[pause]
[Shade, Dark, and Shadow land in it]
Shadow: *spits water out of mouth* Eah... what did we just land in?
Shade: *feels around* ....I don't want to know.
Shadow: Good point.
[they wade through the water...stuff, and enter a big construction crate]
[inside is future Hero again! And a freaky alien thing!]
HeroF: Shadow! Heh, you again.
Shadow: ohai
HeroF: Fancy meetin' YOU down here... I always thought you'd be charging headfirst into the Egg Citadel.
Shade: Are you kidding? Even in Half-Life 2, that'd be suicide, let alone in THIS crazy world.
HeroF: Hm. You speak of nonsense, and yet I am curious.
Shade: I have that effect on people.
HeroF: ..look, I'm just the Checkpoint guy for the underground railroad. Main Station's right around the corner.
Dark: Main Station?
Shadow: ****, I completely forgot you were even with us!
Dark: I have that effect on people.
HeroF: But, yeah, Main Station.. for the underground railroad, n' stuff. You wanna go there. Trust me.
[Future Hero opens up a door.. thing that leads outside]
HeroF: Just simply head through this dump, and Main Station's hidden in a pipe to your right.
Shadow: Thanks. We'll look for it.
[Shadow, Shade, and Dark go through the dump, and find a pipe to their right]
[a man runs to them]
Man: H-help! They found us! They found--
[BANG! The man drops to the ground, dead]
Dark: ...you're welcome?
[they follow the pipe to a secret, underground room filled with couches and.. stuff]
Shadow: This must be Main Station.
Shade: It's deserted... you think the cops found it?
Shadow: Judging from the guy who just told us that "they found" something, yeah, probably.
[Dark investigates a dead body by a radio]
Dark: Shade, this guy's got holes in him... he looks like cheese!
Shade: Cheese? Obviously, you mean he's got bullet holes in him.
Shadow: Hm, those don't look like bullet holes.
[the radio next to the body turns on]
Radio: Main Station, do you read? Main Station?
[Shadow hesitates, but then grabs a microphone]
Shadow: This.. is Main Station. Yes, we read.
Radio: Oh, thank goodness... you've been showing radio silence for a while.
Shadow: Yeah, um... it was just a bit of technical difficulty.
Radio: Anyway, we need to inform you that we have confirmed reports of Manhacks.
Shadow: M-manhacks...?
Radio: I repeat, the cops are flooding the sewers with MANHACKS!
[a loud buzzing noise is heard on the other end]
Radio: ...oh, speak of the devil.
[static]
Dark: ...I don't like the sound of that, Shade.
Shade: Neither do I.
Shadow: Um... Shade, you've beaten Half-Life 2; what are we supposed to do now?
Shade: Well, once we reach Main Station, we're supposed to.. um...
Shadow: Yes?
Shade: .....I forgot. SORRY!
Shadow: How the... I mean... this has got to be the WORST time to forget something like that, Shade!
Shade: Like I said, I don't play this chapter much!
Dark: Yeah, we usually skip ahead to Highway 17.
Shadow: *siiiiiigh* Great. Look, at this rate, I don't think there'll BE a Highway 17.. for us.
[Shadow sits on one of the random couches]
Shadow: It's no use. We're lost... in a post-apocalyptic future EUROPE. Where EGGMAN rules.
Shade: Dude, cheer up, and calm down! Okay? I've been through much worse than this.
Shadow: Oh, yeah? Like what?
Shade: Like when Dark, Chao, Cham and I went through future... somewhere or other, and fought weird time.. things.
Dark: You mean Gears n' Roses?
Shade: Yes, I do. Then, there was my Grey Journey... ooh, I never wanna relive that. But, looks like I'm gonna have to.
Shadow: Did you ever have as big risks as this? I mean, the freaking SHOW will end if I fail this...
Dark: And it might even if you don't!
Shade: Well... no, I can't say that I have. But, you're lucky. This mission's EASY.
Shadow: It is?
Shade: Sure it is! Okay, so I forgot what we do here, but so what? I DIDN'T forget that this game is easy!
Dark: Yeah, so get up and go play!
Shadow: ..you guys are right. Thanks. I shouldn't be moping about so much. I have a fat guy to kill!
[Shadow goes up a ladder]
[pause]
[he comes back down, covered in blood]
Shade: Dude, what happened to you?
Shadow: Cops. Lots of 'em.
Shade: Are you hurt?
Shadow: No. ...but THEY are.
[Shade gives Shadow a hi-5]
Shadow: Up there, I saw some more pipes, and I figured we could just go along the sewers.
Dark: But, didn't the radio person say something about Pac-Man in the sewers?
Shade: Yeah, what about the Manhacks?
Shadow: Whatever they are, I'm sure we can handle them, EASILY.
[montage time! Insert some indie rock song in here]
[Shade, Dark, and Shadow basically just run along the sewers, fighting cops, and solving puzzles]
[cut to a bright room, deep in the sewers-- it's a little bunker, manned by a... well, man]
[LOLWUT NO IT NOT MAN IT RED]
[...the regular Red! Not the future one who plays the role of Barney!]
Red: More refugees... wait, what? Shade? Dark? ...greenie?
Shadow: The name's "Shadow."
Shade: Red, man, what're you doing here?
Red: I woke up in a dumpster, which apparently is frowned upon in today's society, so I was chased down here.
Shadow: So now you help with the underground railroad?
Red: You bet.
Shade: Eh, that sounds boring. You oughta come with us.
Dark: Everybody's doing it.
Red: Well... where are you guys going?
Shadow: To Cham's lab.
Red: Cham's lab? ...that's a little... far, isn't it?
Shadow: Prolly, but who cares? Soon, I'm gonna kill Eggman, and move on with my life.
Red: ...what the hey, I'll come with you guys.
[RED JOINED YOUR PARTY!]
Red: Lemme just open this door for ya...
[he opens the door, and several flying robots with attatched sawblades fly in, making a loud buzzing noise]
Red: O SNAP, MANHAAAACKS!
[Shade hops up, and jams his crowbar into one of the sawblades; that manhack swerves out of control, and hits another]
[that one spins in circles, hitting all the others; Shade simply whacks that spinning one, and that's that]
Shade: Easy. Let's move.
[they head out to a second montage]
[they go through a really complicated sewer place, fighting tons of cops and manhacks]
[one cop accidentally drops his Sub-Machine Gun, which Red then grabs]
[eventually, after yet another water puzzle, they make it out of the sewers, and find themselves in a small creek]
Red: Ugh, disgusting. Eggman's been dumping his toxic waste in this creek, so--
[a zombie rises out of the sewage; Shade whacks it with his crowbar]
Red: Thanks. So, this place is now a toxic waste dump. Careful, don't step in that stuff.
Shadow: Red, you seem to know a lot about this city.
Red: Of course. Once you've been underground long enough, you start to learn these kinds of things. For instance--
[another zombie rises up, but is whacked back down]
Red: ...we are technically in the suburbs right now.
Shadow: FINALLY. This city's giving me the creeps.
Red: BUT, there's not really any convenient way out of the city from here.
Shadow: ..oh.
Red: HOWEVER, this is the only way to get to Cham's lab. I think.
Shadow: Um... okay! Shall we move on?
[they keep going through the weird little... place, until they find the only way to continue filled with toxic waste]
Dark: Oh, no, we've hit a snag.
Shade: No snag is too big for the Shade man to handle!
[Shade steps forward, toward the radioactive waste, when a horde of zombies rises out]
[Shade pauses, then steps back; the zombies go back under]
Shade: ...okay, so maybe we've found our first big snag.
[they also find a little underground railroad dock of sorts]
[in the dock is a very strange vehicle-- basically, a hovercraft, but.. well.. um.. let's stick with Airboat.]
[and there is a woman by the airboat, fueling it up with gas]
Woman: ohai, you're in luck! We have one airboat left! I just finished fueling it up.
Shadow: Um... thanks. We're trying to get to Cham's lab. Where is that?
Woman: Cham's lab? Oh, that's miles away...
Shadow: Wonderful. And how do we get there?
Woman: Well, you'd have to follow these creeks for a few hundred miles...
Shadow: Great.
Woman: ...then cross the Channel to the Great Dam... and his lab's just past that.
Shadow: Wacco.
Shade: Wizard.
Red: Smashing.
Dark: COR BLIMEY! That's a lot longer than it was in the game, isn't it, Shade?
Shade: A-yup. MUCH longer.
Shadow: I hate the Veteran's Committee.
Woman: It might help you to look out for Station 12, out on the canal... they're a big, red barn.
Shadow: Okay, thanks, we'll look for them.
Shade: Well, we're not gonna get much done by just sitting here!
[Shade climbs into the airboat]
Shade: Let's get this pahdy started! You comin', Dark?
Dark: BOOYAH! This is gonna be AWESOME! *hops in boat*
Red: Eh. Half-Life 1 nearly killed us on countless occasions, so this'll be similar. ..wait for me! *hops in*
Shadow: ....*siiigh* It's for DCA, Shadow... for DCA... *hops in*
[so, they drive the airboat off into the horizon as the sun marks the time at being around 5:30]
Shade: I love the time passage.
Chapter 4: Wet Hazard
[the airboat zooms across a large river/canal at a relatively fast pace]
Dark: Guys, look, a big, red barn!
Shadow: That must be Station 12.
[Shadow stops the airboat; they get out and enter the big, red barn on the side of the river]
[inside the barn, things are really dark, and absent of life]
[..except for two zombies, who chuck barrels and crates at our heroes]
[of course, Shade and Red make quick work of them]
Shadow: It's strange... as we were coming here, I thought I saw somebody watching us from here.
Shade: Eh, you get that feeling a lot in this game.
Shadow: So, now what? Station 12's down.
Shade: So, let's just keep moving. C'mon; we've got a long way to go.
Shadow: Yeah. I noticed.
[as they walk back to the boat, they notice a helicopter flying directly above them]
Shadow: ...
Red: What's up?
Shadow: That helicopter... is it... what's it doing?
Shade: I'd say the people inside are taking pictures of us.
Red: Oh, yeah? Well, take a picture o' THIS--
Shadow: Whoa-hoh-hoh, Red, calm down.
[they hop in the boat, and continue driving]
[as they pass under a bridge...]
Man: YOU THERE! UP HERE!
[Shadow stops the boat, and sees a man atop the bridge]
Man: HAVE SOME SUPPLIES! LOOK OUT BELOW!
[the man drops some boxes of ammo and such down for them]
Shadow: WHY ARE YOU HELPING US?
Man: IT'S A GOOD CAUSE! DOWN WITH THE SYSTEM!
Dark: Down with the SICKNESS.
[some camera bots fly by the man]
Man: Whuh-oh, gotta go. *flees*
[some Egg Trucks drive past the bridge]
Red: Shadow?
Shadow: Yeah?
Red: FLOOR IT.
Shadow: Got it.
[Shadow floors it, and speeds through some canals as cops shoot at them]
[they zip through some barricades, and through some cops]
Dark: Hit the ramp! The ramp!
Shadow: I'll try.
[THUMP]
[SPLASH]
Shade: ...next time, let ME drive.
Shadow: No way! Just because I missed the ramp...
Shade: And capsized the boat.
Shadow: A little bit! Still, I can drive. I can drive.
[they flip the boat back over, and continue driving along]
[they turn a corner, and see some big gates closing]
Red: We're not gonna make it!
Shadow: Crap, you're right.
[they manage to squeeze through before the gates close]
Shadow: ...oh. Awesome!
Shade: Don't stop driving! Keep going! We're still miles away.
Shadow: How many?
Shade: Well, we're not even a quarter of the way through the regular chapter..
Shadow: Perfect. *sigh*
[as they drive, an Egg Truck parks by the canal, and fires rockets at them]
All: WHOA!
Shade: C'mon, watch where you're going!
Shadow: Shut up! Be quiet! I... I can't concentrate!
[then, a barricade in front of them is lit on fire]
Shadow: Oh, they're evil.
Dark: Ramp at 2:45!
Shadow: I see it!
[Shadow hits the ramp, and flies past the firey barricade]
All: YAHOO!
Red: That was awesome.
Dark: Rocket!
Shadow: Crap, I almost forgot about the--
[BOOM!]
[the airboat spins around in the air, and is shot again]
[BOOM!]
[then, some cops come by and shoot at them]
[Shadow manages to grab the steering wheel and pilot it down to a tunnel, where the cops and rockets can't get them]
All: *pant*
Shade: Pretty fancy piloting there, Shadow.
Shadow: Thanks... Red, status report.
Red: I'd say we're on the verge of death, but the boat's fine.
Shade: In video game terms, Red?
Red: The boat has infinite HP, while we only have... roughly... 7.
Shade: Oh, that's not good.
Shadow: Not good... or is it perfectly good?
Shade: Wha?
Shadow: C'mon, where's your sense of adventure? Your thrill? 7 HP left... I can live with that.
Shade: Something's happened to Mister Damp Towel. I like the new you.
[they move on, and find another closing gate]
Shadow: *vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* Are you asking for a challenge?
[SMACK]
Shadow: .....you win.
Shade: Tough luck, dude. Looks like we'll have to go into that giant facility to press one teensy little switch.
Shadow: Sweetness. How hard is it in the game?
Shade: Meh. Epic in its own way.
Red: Shade, you might want to take another look at the facility.
[the camera pans, showing a humongous fortress with barbed wire, searchlights, and huge towers]
Shade: .......Metal Gear Shade time?
Dark: NO! Metal Gear DARK time.
TO BE CONTINUED...